Drabbles of the Thanksgiving Variety

Let Them Eat Cake

This Thanksgiving, I was assigned the task of selecting the Thanksgiving dessert for our overwhelming party of four. “Buy two desserts,” my mother told me, “but don’t buy too much. God knows we don’t need it.” So, as others were throwing on their aprons to bake their Thanksgiving pie, I found myself standing in the meager Heinen’s dessert section attempting to buy two desserts that would not be too much for four people.   

While wading through the oh-so-festive Thanksgiving donuts, Éclairs, and Key Lime Pies, I found myself deliberating over each treat’s costs and benefits. Benefits of Éclairs: small, delicious, and a sense of non-conformity. Cost of Key Lime Pie: at the expected dessert to person ratio, each serving would bring a rather unwelcome deadweight gain.

As I presented the desserts I chose (a four x four inch lemon bar and a two x four inch tiramisu) to my family on Thanksgiving to a chorus of profanity and anger, I realized that perhaps I should have weighed the costs and benefits to my assignment before accepting it.

The Turkey and the Dough Boy

“Here, Meghan,” my mother told me as she handed me the whole wheat Thanksgiving rolls, “dig in.” As a vegetarian in a family with a father that prides himself on his steak and ribs, my Thanksgiving pickings were slim this year, to say the least.  Although some non-turkey eaters dug into various dishes, such as the “delicious” tofu-turkey, and other delectable substitutes, I celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pillsbury dough boy.

Although, peanut butter complimented the roll as well as my family’s stuffing complimented their turkey.

Dress Your Family in Blankets and Bump-Its

This Christmas, my family will be traveling to New York, so gift giving this holiday season will be limited. However, over a Thanksgiving breakfast of cinnamon rolls, my parents announced that gifts for family members must cost less than $20 and must be found in the “As Seen on TV” section of Walmart, Walgreens, or CVS.

So, on an ironically bright Black Friday, I made my way to Walmart to the section containing the world’s most useless inventions. Amidst a sea of blankets with legs and arms, pajama jeans, and lighted slippers, I was surprised to discover that the items that would provide the least enjoyment, such as, say, the oh-so-attractive Potty Patch, provided the greatest shopping experience. I suppose that within such a tight budget constraint, my utility from purchasing four pajama jeans and two pairs of lighted slippers would be the same as if I purchased three of each product.

Besides, won’t they all end up on the floor of my closet as their makers skip off to the patent lawyer with their next money-making invention?